I remember being in my twenties and feeling so alone and confused about my purpose in life. For years I struggled with what I could describe only as FOGGINESS of soul! I knew I loved God and that I wanted to make a difference in this world but I could not assuredly say what my specific purpose in life was like so many others around me.
I felt like I had something to say but when I opened my mouth nothing would come out! I knew I could choose any of several paths for my life and be successful but when I tried to take a step forward, the doors were shut in my face.
The most painful part of that decade of my life was the loneliness I struggled with on the inside. As pastors, we were always surrounded by people. We traveled the world and we made friends everywhere we went, but inside my heart there was a longing for someone besides my husband to GET me, to understand me and love me for who I was.
It was painful to meet godly women whose company I enjoyed only to find out that they could do without mine. Away from family and childhood friends, I walked a lonely walk for many years. I remember Brian embracing me on countless nights as I cried in his arms asking him to pray for God to remove the cloak of invisibility I felt clothed me when I was around others.
Little did I know that the fogginess, the confusion, the loneliness, the pain, and the rejection were all part of God’s purpose in my life. Nothing was wasted! I just wish I hadn’t been in such a hurry to grow out of that season. It didn’t have to be as sad. It didn’t have to be as frustrating. But I guess that too was part of the process.
I write this not to paint a picture of sadness but to help people who have felt the same way and can’t even describe what they feel to those trying to help them. I write to let you know that in the end YOU WIN! That in God’s time, everything makes sense and nothing that you go through is in vain. It is such a blessing to feel pain deeply! After you’ve intimately known confusion and sorrow, joy becomes so much sweeter, so much more powerful!
I can honestly say that back in those days I thought I deserved friends and a platform to speak and make a difference. I could not understand why God did not find it fit to give them to me. Now, having kids myself, I understand that precious and fragile gifts are wisely reserved for later by loving parents who understand their value.
Now, friends are treasures, gifts from heaven that refresh my heart. I have fought so hard to have them that no petty conflict is able to dissuade me from loving them. Now, every opportunity to make a difference is not just a welcome duty, it is a thrill! That God would use someone like me to ignite passion and joy inside human hearts is to my soul like fireworks to a dark and cold night.
I’ve come to understand and be at peace with God’s seasons in my life because I have come full circle at least once and know that after every winter there is a spring, a summer and a harvest! So I’ll gladly go through the next winter with unfettered hope for the beautiful things that will ensue.
If you find yourself in that fogginess of soul where you feel invisible to God and others, rest assured, He can see you and he thinks you’re beautiful just as you are. Just make sure that you don’t live in the ‘what could be’ but that you feel deeply and wrestle with what’s before you. He’s taking his time to make you into the most beautiful version of yourself you can imagine.
Solomon was right:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend…He has made everything beautiful in his time.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-7, 11)
- Mercy Alarid is the Creative Arts Pastor of Passion Church. Mercy has a Master's degree in Education. Mercy is a member of the faculty of Central New Mexico Community College, where she is an instructor in the Education department. Mercy has been married to Brian for 17 years and they reside in Albuquerque, New Mexico with their 3 children: Chloe, Colin, and Lauren.